Deliberation

65. Deliberation

In the stately oak-paneled conference room with the large rectangular table, they sat not in their ceremonial robes, but business casual. 

"And we'll start the way we always start," the Chief Justice intoned, "with everyone's favorite Sphinx. Clarence, would you vote to affirm or reverse?"

"Reverse," Thomas said, "Judge abused his discretion, Debtor shouldn't be able to skip out absent extraordinary circumstances, which these are clearly not."

"Okay, so that's one to reverse. Who we got next, is it Stephen or Ruth? I always forget."

"Nino is rolling over in his grave, Mr. Chief Justice," Ginsburg said, "Affirm. Bankruptcy judges should be afforded broad authority. The Code is to be read and interpreted as remedial legislation, designed to offer relief in unprecedented situations, such as student loans with predatory interest rates."

"I couldn't have guessed that!" Roberts said. "Mr. Ice Cream?"

"Ha-ha, never got that one before," Breyer said. "Affirm, same basis as Ruth."

"Okay great, and I think next up is me, and I vote to affirm, but write separately to note that I reach this decision on procedural grounds only," Roberts said.

"What the fuck John!" Justice Alito said. "Reverse. Same basis as CT, write separately to express that we should not be activist judges and do the work of Congress for themselves. And you know you can't fucking take persuasive authority from lower court decisions. Am I the only one that gives a shit about the rules?"

"Justice Alito, that language has no place in this conference room. I'm embarrassed for you, just as I was at the State of the Union that one year. But I do love the Lebowski reference. Next along the seniority train we have, everyone's favorite…"

"Just stop, Mr. Chief Justice. Affirm. Write separately to respond to Justice Alito that we should, in fact, wield activist power to do substantial justice in the face of legislation that shocks the conscience. And it does shock the conscience that the United States government more closely resembles a payday lender than a benevolent older relative."

"And there's another vote for Bernie in D.C. Or is that Elizabeth? We just need one more. Justice Kagan, will you do the honors?"

"Affirm, same basis as Sonia."

"Well there's the ruling. But can we do the unthinkable and get a 6-3, or even a 7-2, Justice Gorsuch?"

"What do you think, Mr. Chief Justice? No, reverse. Same basis as Justice Alito."

"I swear one of these days, it's gotta happen. Justice Kavanaugh, will you do the honors of expressing our distinguished lack of political autonomy?"

"You know Mr. Chief Justice, my name has been dragged through the mud. I need all the good PR I can get. So I'll join you all and affirm."

"Oh, Brett," Justice Gorsuch said, "Don't be so naive. They'll never love you."

"He's right," Justice Thomas said.

"I'm being sarcastic, guys. I'm not that dumb. But maybe if I stay on long enough, and if I repent enough, and if I use my powers for good, maybe one day yet, there will be redemption. And people will stop harassing me in public."

"Good luck with that," Justice Alito said. "Follow in the footsteps of SDO, Souter and Stevens. Be a turncoat. History will look more favorably upon you. CT maybe you should take a cue. It's never too late!"

Justice Thomas rolled his eyes.

"Alright! This is one of the blockbuster opinions here, so I kind of want to do it?”the Chief Justice pondered. “But you know, I don't like to hog the spotlight. Would anyone like to volunteer?"

"Well," Justice Ginsburg said, "Normally, I would love to sink my teeth into this. But we all eventually must pass the baton. And I think it's quite obvious who should be writing this."

"You mean me, right?" Justice Breyer said.

"No, she doesn't. You're the richest one here, you're out of touch, ice cream magnate," Justice Alito said.

"My family didn't make that ice cream!"

"Not true," Alito said. "I know who you are."

"Children, please, behave yourselves," the Chief Justice said. "So what do you say, Sonia, will you do the honors."

"Excuse me!" Justice Kagan said. "Did you ask for a volunteer or request a nomination?"

"Ok you know what," the Chief Justice said. "Technically Ruth has seniority over me. This Chief Justice role is all pomp and circumstance. I'm honored to sit before you all here, but it is a meaningless distinction. So I hereby cede authority to Justice Ginsburg to assign the opinion."

"Oh, so now I have to be the bad guy. Thanks," said Justice Ginsburg.

"You're welcome! We've still got three of the original Nine from the Rehnquist years and we ought to honor them while we can."

"Like I said, Nino is rolling over in his grave," Justice Ginsburg reminded everyone. "He was gone too soon. He would have written a blistering dissent here."

"I miss him every day," said Justice Alito. "Every time we hear a case, I always think, what would Antonin do?"

"What a lovely tribute," Justice Ginsburg deadpanned. "So we have two volunteers, then?"

"I never said I was volunteering," Justice Kagan said.

"Well, if you didn't want to do it in the first place, why did you speak up before?" Justice Ginsburg said.

"I resent the presumption that Sonia is a better writer than me."

"No one said that," the Chief Justice chimed in.

"Elena, you write circles around me. They just consider me the token 'SJW.' I'm the one they want to write it because I'm Latina, because I didn't grow up in privileged circumstances, and because this issue disproportionately affects 'my people,' in the eyes of the American public. So we can do a code switch or we can play into a tradition of sorts, like Kennedy and same-sex rights."

"Alright," Justice Kagan said. "I just wanted to hear you say that."

"Really though," Justice Sotomayor said, "This is about a white kid from privileged circumstances. So really Elena might be best-suited."

Kagan laughed. "Thanks Sonia, for minimizing my accomplishments."

"I'm not minimizing anything!" Sotomayor said, "I'm just saying race isn't irrelevant, and I thought you might have some insight into his situation."

"Because I never married, right? Because I'm more familiar with the economics of loneliness? And because I’m white?"

"No, I'm just a little busy, and think you deserve the spotlight on one of the blockbusters. You're the unsung hero of this Court."

"Okay, okay, sorry. In that case, I accept."

"Then Mr. Chief Justice, the majority opinion will be assigned to Justice Kagan.”

"Well! That does it for Rosario," the Chief Justice said. "Onto Seila Law, then."

"You gonna fuck this one up too, John?" Justice Alito said.

"Now that you said that, yes, I am going to muck this one up," he replied.